And this is how I know there is evil in the world.
I think I'm going to interact with him and get a normal human being. And there he is emotionally and psychologically abusing again. And I feel ridiculous for still being affected by it--though this is someone I was married to for 19 yrs....
How is it that I know exactly what he will do... and I'm still affected?
Monday, March 21, 2016
Friday, March 11, 2016
regaining intuition
When will this narcissistic experience not define me? I suspect that is when and where there is healing.
When I'm just my own unique person. Not defined in relation to the man with the mirror at the lake.
Not defined by a reaction to the narcissist, but rather when he becomes inconsequential. Just another puzzle piece on the table that is my life. A part of the whole that has shaped me into a (hopefully) better person. I'm not sure about that, but I am working at that.
I will wander where life takes me. Ushered by intuition. I will and must listen to Her. For she has never actually let me down. It is the narcissist that tried to drive Her away. And made me judge Her, untrustworthy. And so I shall usher Her back. And make space for Her. Allowing Her whims of change to influence me and guide me.
When I'm just my own unique person. Not defined in relation to the man with the mirror at the lake.
Not defined by a reaction to the narcissist, but rather when he becomes inconsequential. Just another puzzle piece on the table that is my life. A part of the whole that has shaped me into a (hopefully) better person. I'm not sure about that, but I am working at that.
I will wander where life takes me. Ushered by intuition. I will and must listen to Her. For she has never actually let me down. It is the narcissist that tried to drive Her away. And made me judge Her, untrustworthy. And so I shall usher Her back. And make space for Her. Allowing Her whims of change to influence me and guide me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
New GF
Tis Spring Break. And my narc is vacation bound to the mountains with his GF. The new one, I might add. Not the old one, he would have to fly to visit. I guess she was too much trouble after the funds to fly to see her dried up. But the One round these parts. The One with a lab named the same as mine... Kinda creepy, I'd say.
I can't believe he told you so soon about her, I said to my kids.
Oh, he didn't tell us, mom. We just figured it out already. He's traveling on vacation with her. In case you don't know, mom, that means something in relationships.
They lecture me now on how to tell if your dad is dating someone without telling you. They school me, as if I don't know already.
And I let them.
And the truth is, I don't tell them of my own schooling of how to tell when someone you love is being unfaithful. How to figure out if the underwear was left by your sister, or another? How to tell if the razor appearing after you were gone for a weekend magically appeared in your shower by accident? How to ferret out why you feel so empty and alone in a 20 year relationship?
Truth be told, I'd rather this. I'd rather little people who love me and want to break it to me gently, tell me of his escapades.
But, no, contrary to my assumptions, he hasn't told them. They've just grown schooled in the art of figuring out the schemes already. They've grown accustomed to watching the actions and not the words of the narcissist. They know to wait for the behaviors that tell the truth. And this, this is progress.
Because he. He can't.
I can't believe he told you so soon about her, I said to my kids.
Oh, he didn't tell us, mom. We just figured it out already. He's traveling on vacation with her. In case you don't know, mom, that means something in relationships.
They lecture me now on how to tell if your dad is dating someone without telling you. They school me, as if I don't know already.
And I let them.
And the truth is, I don't tell them of my own schooling of how to tell when someone you love is being unfaithful. How to figure out if the underwear was left by your sister, or another? How to tell if the razor appearing after you were gone for a weekend magically appeared in your shower by accident? How to ferret out why you feel so empty and alone in a 20 year relationship?
Truth be told, I'd rather this. I'd rather little people who love me and want to break it to me gently, tell me of his escapades.
But, no, contrary to my assumptions, he hasn't told them. They've just grown schooled in the art of figuring out the schemes already. They've grown accustomed to watching the actions and not the words of the narcissist. They know to wait for the behaviors that tell the truth. And this, this is progress.
Because he. He can't.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
just one ounce
Every time I think,
I can't believe he's actually being human. There is hope.
It always turns out in the end, that there is always an angle. Something he is manipulating even if it seems otherwise and I oh-so-readily want to believe it is otherwise.
How? How can he be so?
I keep looking for the redemptive inkling. It must be there. He can't fully be evil. Impossible.
And every single time, it turns out I get my hopes up for nothing.
I still can't believe such a person exists. I still can't believe I was married to him. I still can't believe, people don't know this. I can't believe there isn't an ounce of caring.
I can't believe he's actually being human. There is hope.
It always turns out in the end, that there is always an angle. Something he is manipulating even if it seems otherwise and I oh-so-readily want to believe it is otherwise.
How? How can he be so?
I keep looking for the redemptive inkling. It must be there. He can't fully be evil. Impossible.
And every single time, it turns out I get my hopes up for nothing.
I still can't believe such a person exists. I still can't believe I was married to him. I still can't believe, people don't know this. I can't believe there isn't an ounce of caring.
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