Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be the same.
Ok, no. I know I'll never be the same.
I guess I wonder if there will ever be another significant other relationship.
Hate to admit it, but I've mostly given up on that front.
And this--this is incredibly depressing.
After something like 101 first dates--coffee or a drink after meeting on a dating site, I realize I'm not willing to put up with a lack of emotional intelligence or somebody treating me like shit.
I dare to dream of intellectual, stimulating conversations about ideas.
I dare to dream of emotional intelligence where rather than running from tears or grief somebody asks why or tell me more about what you are feeling?
I dare to dream of sex with an emotional, spiritual, and psychological connection beyond the physical.
I dare to dream of someone wanting to know me, even the highly sensitive parts of me that are not wrong or pathological, but just different.
I am so tired of men thinking and acting like my emotions are something to fix and suppress--as if clearly if I had my intellect ruling as it ought, I'd be better, different.
I am so tired of guys staring at my body at the gym, clearly interested, but not seeing me as a whole person. What about knowing me beyond the physical? What of assuming or at least having slight interest in if I have an intellect and that I read and write and play the piano and pool and think and have emotions? What about wanting to know the real sensitive me? The me the ex narc never ever really knew? What about somebody finally seeing the invisible me and seeing value in me? What of someone wanting to desperately know the parts of me that desperately want to be known. My ex missed out on so much. This I am finally getting.
But the highly sensitive males in my age bracket out there are afraid to show or be their highly sensitive selves and thus for all practical purposes, I can't find them. They don't exist, for all practical purposes.
That masculine guy who lifts and boxes and cares about health and yet isn't afraid to cry, and read, and write, and ask extensively about emotions or talk about my narc past--that guy is clearly still a unicorn. Trying not to lose hope.
