Predictably, a full fledged Narc being elected as president of the United States triggered trauma for me. Wednesday whirled. Looking out the window of the plane, I could not stop the tears. They seemed to just want to bleed out of my eyes, endlessly.
It wasn't about the losing. I didn't feel that strongly about the candidate I voted for. Except that she represented me. And for the first time I had the privilege of voting for a member of my own sex. I've never had that opportunity before.
Instead, it was about the denigrating things he has said--over and over--it was about those such as myself that are considered less than--it was about not wanting to be considered just a pussy that a man can grab or fuck in the alley if he has a lot of power or chooses to because he often can and damn it she wore "that slinky red dress" which somehow entitles him to rape her with a gun.
It was about being a woman who stands up to the male establishment and isn't afraid to enter the male dominated pant suit world, but then is mocked for doing just that. It was about being an intelligent woman, exceptionally qualified with massive experience going up against a man who has never held any public office, who has no experience to have the most powerful job in the world and being harshly chastised for sending emails in the wrong way. It was about the standards being drastically different for women than men. It was about having to out-think, out-play the narc just to escape the difficult marriage that occurred when too young where he had all the power of entrapment.
Melania voted. Trump looked over her shoulder. That familiar look of being controlled traumatized me because I recognized how it is no better to be "kept" by a rich, powerful narcissist. She may never get out. How do you divorce the president of the United States of America? Sounds more difficult than divorcing the average college professor narcissist who just wants to disrespect you by sleeping with his students.
It was about the children waking up afraid of deportation because they are darker skinned and speak Spanish. It was about the LGTBQ community being afraid. It was about Muslim families wondering where they should go now because they are all considered evil by the white house.
It was about the future feeling even more unstable. It was about the men that I've dated who "voted" for him all the while proclaiming how much they "loved" the idea of voting for a woman but just "not her." And yet all the while, the majority of the women I know somehow saw something different. Perhaps, they, like me, saw that the standards were and always have been different for her and most men in their sexism have never being able to see their own silver spoons. And this made me sad.
It was about remembering how many times, I've denigrated myself so that some man's fragile ego can withstand the fact that I am a strong woman. Educated. Intelligent. Doctored. Empathic. Compassionate. Aiming to make it in the world.
It was about wondering if she would have run for the most powerful office in the world by staying in her place in the "right" man's world-way, if she would have gotten in? Would it have made a difference? Would she have burst through the glass ceiling for us all? Or would it have ended in the same pussy-grabbing locker room scenario?
