Maybe one of the real reasons I was able--am able to be escaping the narcissist in the first place was because my work compelled me to do so. You see, if your work is intense enough, obvious enough, especially on the helping people front, it will teach you things, in spite of what the narcissist says.
And when your work gives you a reason to believe otherwise, or directly contradicts what the narcissist says, you have some thread to hold on to. Mostly, he told me shit like that I was terrible at what I do. Mostly, he was quite critical of my every flaw, even my skill that clearly wasn't on par with his. Mostly, he was the one pulling--dragging us along. Mostly, his work mattered, not mine. But, the facts are that when it comes down to what I do--helping people, well most days, I think it does matter.
Some days, I can point to real people who might not be around, but for my work. There are folks that might have taken their own lives. On those particular days, I think it does matter, this thing that I do.
But, anyhow. I'm definitely not perfect.
All I can say is some days I do help people. I can't say it's an easy thing, talking someone out of suicide who is dead set on it. (Really, no pun intended). That space opens up and you feel swallowed up. so inept, so small. The emptiness hits you. A human being is waiting alone in the dark for somebody--anybody--to contradict the screaming worthlessness in their own head. And mostly you don't really know if you have the right words. Maybe, you don't have any words.
Please don't kill yourself. Please don't take your own life. Please give it more time.
That's all you have. And it feels so ridiculously inept. After all the specialists, all the people who tried but somehow couldn't reach them, and you might be the last stop?
And there you are trying not to hear the narcissist screaming about all your flaws and shortcomings cause honestly, that might get in the way of helping. You can't go into helping someone in a really dark space with your own demons.
And the psychic space where someone wants help often has its own set of demons. Sometimes that person throws out attempts to sabotage any and all help--sometimes they legitimately want to alienate, to abuse, in order to get someone to give up on them. That is most difficult. It is most heavy. And that is the space inhabited, in this kind of work, a lot of the time.
It is saturated with the great weight of a storm cloud.
And you have to do best to talk them back from the ledge. You have to remind them that they do matter. Sometimes, it sneaks up on you that you are there reminding yourself as well as the other person..The world needs you. There is no one else like you. This is what it means to be human, after all. Unique individuals trying to contribute to the good of the planet.
You say it to yourself as much as to the person in front of you:
Please don't kill yourself.
They don't know you're saying it outloud for both of you. It's not supposed to be about you.
But, sometimes it happens to fall on a day where the narcissistic brainwashing lingers loudly in your head. You try to force feed the good stuff into your own brain as much as into the brain of the person sitting in front of you.
And sometimes the act of doing that helps. The action reminds that what the Narc said about you wasn't true. Your work does matter. At least, sometimes. For the other. For you. For us all, as human beings. Which is something the narcissist really can't understand and never will.
And sometimes you just have to go on clinging to the fact that your work, imperfect though it be, is beneficial. And it helps others and yourself with the narcissistic deprogramming.
