And back and forth I go....
Had to converse with the ex today.
Oh-so-surprisingly, he pulled out all the stops. I mean, not surprising, at all....Bullying. Insults. Misrepresentations of the truth. Exaggerations. Denial of reality.
He was ANGRY that I said "No." No, I won't bend to your will for the umpteenth time. He couldn't be reasonable, a human being. He couldn't see anything other than his own delusion of the truth. And his own story.
None of the above was surprising.
What was surprising was me. I said, No. Boldly. Surely. Strongly.
Even in the space of the threats of his getting the law to assault me, I felt calm. I felt like I was addressing a two-year-old with a plastic sword. I'm sorry. But, No, I won't, Junior.
Perhaps, I didn't say No enough all along when we were together. He is most certainly not accustomed to it. He most generally flips his shit and becomes some sort of two-year-old child when you say, No.
But somewhat miraculously, this didn't phase me much. Distance is charming that way. You get perspective when you finally get away!
And so today, I relish being out of his orbit. I relish saying, No. I relish not explaining myself because I don't have to. He doesn't have the right to demand explanation of me. I am an autonomous human being. And the longer I am out of his orbit far away from him, the stronger I grow!
And so today, I relish this little bit of freedom. Resilience. Empowerment.
And while it is still possible I may have felt a little sorry for him, I choose this lovely space of away, out of orbit, free. I might have felt sorry for the fact that this is where he shall remain the rest of his sad life. Stuck. Walled off from growth. His own narcissistic gravity keeping him from leaving his own delusional shit. He doesn't get to transform and become! He doesn't get to fly away with another to some nostalgic, dreamy, tower to have Orange Pekoe tea while floating. He has to tolerate his same old fragile, manipulative self. And that is burden enough.
So for now, I relish the fact that it is my time of year. My Spring. My season. The Equinox. My birthday month. The time when I feel most right. The time when the planets align for me. The time not to mess with me.... cause dammit, I'm healing!!!
