Healing Decisions

This week I quarantined a decision I had to make--separated off from it--put it in isolation far from any bit of residual, entangled, bitterness or anger--not because I needed to in order to survive as I have needed to in the past, but because I wanted to for the sake of the real authentic me that I am aiming to become more and more. I quarantined said decision in order to isolate the amazing healer part of me that does beautiful compassionate things in the world. That healer needed to be in isolation from the damaged, sad, sometimes spiteful parts of me that are still learning how to be in the world again, post narcopalypse. It was the right thing to do.

All the same it was a mighty struggle to do the right thing that healer part instinctively could do without even thinking or batting an eye.

I'm certain all the therapists and narc abuse recovery experts would likely tell me to draw a boundary line in the sand. They'd encourage me to hold my ground, to not give valuable information to the narc. I'm sure some might deem my actions a fawn response of cPTSD variety in some manner and therefore a trapped-in-trauma-and-thus-unhealed or "stuck" response.

But that was not the space from whence the decision originated. The decision was born of the rich ground near the heart of healing--the soul space. A sacred, powerful space, it flows as the source from whence any healing runs--something that gets tapped or touched upon when real healing shit happens. Compassion, unfettered kindness, empathy, and mercy linger there. It's not a space controlled by said healer, its more a space visited by healer types, entrusted to healers to protect or to act as guides to. It's not a space anyone ought fuck with, generally speaking, as I'm not sure the kharmic righting of such would be good for the fucker. Almost like if you curse that soul space the curse ricochets back upon you.

And so I made a decision to mercifully give helpful, information to my ex. The as of yet still wounded parts of me wanted to hold back said information, clenched in spite.

But this time I chose to authentically give--not out of some sort of fawn response, not out of obligation, not out of guilt, not out of fear--I chose to give because I am a healer and that is who I am. And that is the most powerful, authentic source of everything good in me and who I want to become more fully, and so I walk further towards my own becoming. And that choice is oddly enough, furthering my own healing.

Grief Again

I wonder how it can be that life can take such dramatic turns, with such massive overhauling change--divorce, death, moves, endings, and even beginnings so jarring that you feel displaced from your own self and life. Nothing is the same. It is as if you aren't you anymore. There is a strangeness, an unfamiliar that can make you want to latch on to the old, no matter how terrible it once was--to run back to something--to anything you once knew.

But that isn't the plan, if you want to heal. 

One of the more jarring pieces when you enter into this land of disturbed time where you sit with loss and change in this act of grieving, is that you feel separated, isolated from other people not currently in the midst of disturbed time. You see the fragile world. You see life's precariousness. You see through a different lens. It isn't even the same world you see. It is as if you have been sucked into the Upside Down with Will.     

And the rest of the world spins madly on.

Far off. The loss not only of what you grieve--but also the loss of connection to those still in the non Upside Down. The ones who don't know or haven't been here to this displaced world can't understand it. 

And so the world spins madly on.